This is a collection of personal diary entries from June 2017 to September 2017. I was a Psychology student at the time and experienced panic attacks regularly. I was trying to challenge my thinking patterns. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes it was one step back and two steps forward. Or two steps back and one forward. I was seeing a psychologist, and I was using medication for my panic attacks.
08-06-2017
I went spinning and felt uncomfortable. That’s why I couldn’t give it my all. I was afraid that I didn’t have enough energy or that I didn’t eat enough, and that it could cause me to faint. The rest of the day I spent doing data analysis at home. That went well. After dinner, I realised that I don’t feel comfortable whenever I eat too much.
09-06-2017
My mom is with us. I felt a bit anxious all day. We went for a walk. I felt anxious at the start because I didn’t have my phone with me, and I couldn’t hop on a bicycle or get into a car if I wanted to get out of there quickly. I felt better near the end.
10-06-2017
Went for a run in the morning. It felt good. I felt anxious constantly the rest of the day. I was browsing the internet for information about pulling your wisdom teeth. That made me feel more anxious.
12-06-2017
We had a family day yesterday. It was going to be hot (30°C). I was panicking on the train. I was trying to calm myself down, but it was difficult. Once I arrived at the place, I experienced a few bursts of panic. Thoughts I couldn’t turn around. It was helpful when people started talking to me. The car trip back went well! There was only one moment during the day, which lasted maybe 30 minutes, in which I wasn’t trying to focus on my breathing. I watched my favourite series. After that, I started thinking about my breathing again, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I paid too much attention to my breathing today, but there was no real panic.
13-06-2017
My wisdom teeth were pulled. I got really nervous one hour prior to the operation. I told them that I was afraid. Anesthesia went well, but once I was wrapped up in sheets, my heart started racing. I let the fear wash over me. It only lasted for around 10 minutes. I was fearing a fever, but it didn’t come. I went to a lecture in the evening and had a panic attack. I almost got up and left. I also had a lot of pain. I couldn’t turn my thoughts around.
28-06-2017
Holiday! The past few days went well. I was learning a lot for the exams, and that felt good. I’ve had a few victories. I drove the car from the train station to my parents’ house. I haven’t had any panic attacks at home (at least not during the evenings), and I haven’t had anxious thoughts in the supermarket! I felt completely comfortable in the exam hall. Now and then, I can actually imagine that I’m going to be living in Finland without thinking about panic. I also went for a 10 km walk with a friend without having my phone or anything else with me, and I didn’t feel anxious!
29-06-2017
I feel pressure on my shoulders. I don’t want to extend the contract, and I don’t want to tell him. It doesn’t feel right, so I will say no. I don’t have to feel guilty. Spinning went great; I gave it my all. I am proud of myself.
03-07-2017
I went on a 30-minute train trip (by myself). I was panicking on the train, but I was able to calm myself down. Thoughts that were helpful to me: “What I feel is normal for anxiety. I will get through it. I am strong. I am practising.” Yesterday we discussed the possibility for me to go to Mexico this September/October, but I can’t bring myself to do it. The fear is too great. I do want to fly this autumn. I am not going to let fear rule my life.
I don’t have any obligations at the moment, but I notice that I still want control over everything. I am checking my agenda constantly, tight planning everything. I am not able to just let go and truly relax.
14-07-2017
I couldn’t sleep last night because my brother and I were going to the museum today and I was dreading it. The train trip is almost two hours. But … It went amazingly well!!! I was well prepared. I had oxazepam, cold water, relaxing music, and food (sugar) with me, but I didn’t need any of it. At the start of the train trip I felt uncomfortable – we were going further and further from home. But I kept saying to myself: “This is just anxiety. I am living my life. I’m practising and it will get better.” At the museum, I didn’t feel any panic, even though I didn’t have my water, food, and medication with me because we stored our backpacks in lockers. I feel like this is a true victory!
22-07-2017
Because of the event in the city, I ate a lot of fast food and didn’t do much exercise. I felt tired. This week was ok anxiety-wise. I had an intake interview with the psychologist. I don’t know if it’s going to help me. I noticed that too much sugar increases my anxious thoughts, but also eating too much in general. He is still in my head a lot. I’m going to see him again in three days. I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. I can’t really give a reason; it’s just that being with him makes me feel down and uncomfortable. I know that he knows something’s up.
26-07-2017
I had my first appointment with a new psychologist today. I had to evoke hyperventilation by breathing in rapidly. I started feeling dizzy quickly because I hadn’t had breakfast yet. I could only do it for a maximum of 15 seconds. I learned that the body always has 100% oxygen, but that it’s the carbon dioxide that fluctuates. And that you don’t faint because of too little oxygen, but because of a sudden drop in blood pressure. You can prevent this by contracting the upper leg muscles.
03-08-2017
Many things happened. I was in a fake MRI scanner. The lady pushed me inside before I could ask, “What should I do when I want to get out?” She couldn’t hear me. Panic!!! I was kicking my legs in the hope that she would see me. She did. She took me out of the machine. I did go back in after she assured me that she would keep checking on me. I felt like I had control again. But it wasn’t easy. It was so difficult. Every vessel in my body was screaming that I had to get out. I kept speaking to myself in a positive way. As soon as I didn’t ‘actively think positively’, my thoughts became negative. It felt like it was me against my amygdala. My consciousness against my ego. Near the end, it got a little bit easier. I am so proud that I faced my fears. The researcher offered me a tour of the real MRI scanners. Yesterday, I got my other wisdom teeth pulled. I was relatively calm. My heartbeat was 80 bpm. I let it wash over me again. After that, I trusted my body more. My body can handle this. That gave me some peace. And I don’t really feel pain, which I didn’t expect.
11-09-2017
It’s been almost a month since I’ve last written something, and so many things happened! I just got back from a 10-day motorcycle trip in Italy and France. It was amazing and I enjoyed it so much. I faced everything that I feared:
- flying (even though it was a less than two hour flight)
- being far away from home without water
- walking around in a busy city in the heat (Monaco)
- lots of sugar in the morning (that was the only available breakfast)
- being in a group of people I don’t know that well
- being stuck in traffic
I didn’t have panic attacks, but I definitely felt anxious. My thoughts were: “I’m in a strange country all by myself, help!!” And when I was on a mountain with little oxygen: “Help, I don’t feel well and I’m completely cut off from civilization here!!” Then I actively had to think: “It’s normal that you think this way. Your brain is programmed that way. It’s just fear. You are stronger than that.” I’m very proud of myself for doing this. I wouldn’t have missed it.
After this period, I still experienced panic attacks. But looking back now, I can see the progression I was making. I was practising my presentation, practising facing my fears. It would take me a few more years to completely break free from my panic attacks. But I was on my way. The breakthrough came after I flew to the other side of the world to spend a month hiking in the mountains in 2019. That was my biggest nightmare at the time, and so I knew that was what I needed to do. I couldn’t even imagine doing it. But I did it anyway.
Do you want to break free from anxiety and panic attacks forever, like I did? Then you might want to have a look at The Program.